The two-a.m. terrors came again last night. An hour-long window when I’m awake but not
energized. Flashbacks come in that
window. People I’ve hurt long ago. Venom I spewed not meaning to poison. The
poem I wrote to manipulate the girl. The what-ifs run right along pressing in
with tangible weight. Palpable pressure in the chest.
Guilt is the thing missing in the New Testament. Peter does not refer to his big blunders. Paul doesn’t apologize for holding coats to give stoners of Stephen better elbow snap. No 12-step program; no making amends to all he’d harmed. Paul’s perfectly Jewish without the guilt! It’s as though those things have all been set right. Trajectory changed; no skeletons in the closet. What sets them free? What’s the skeleton key?
“…But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” Knowing Christ matters. Past sins, what-ifs, should-have and shouldn’t have’s out with the trash. Yes, we make amends. We seek peace. The past is a place we’ve left; Christ is the future we have. We live here. Rejoice in an all sufficient Christ in the present. Those dead skeletons; crucified and buried with Christ. That’s the truth but not the experience.
Like buried hearts in a horror story they beat their way back. Try fight them off with denial, the fact is we are guilty. As Spurgeon has said, “Your sins are so gone that they cannot be laid to your charge.” This is what Paul and Peter understood. Cry to God and fight. Cling to what is now a clean slate. Skeletons of the past will reach out to grab hold. Look forward to the future. The refrain is true; the cross has the final word.
