Therapy and Boxes

Overwhelmed by a sense of paralysis; purposeless and depressed, I struggled in my marriage. Every action was met with hostility; every retreat deepened and widened the crevasse between us. I sought numbness in pornography. Life had become overwhelming. I began seeing a counselor.

Looking back now, I realize I was under significant duress. Reasonable discussions with the wife were rare. Any discussion involving stressful situations such as finances, spirituality and raising our child resulted in violent language, “Blanking up the finances is an effing deal, I can’t believe I married a retarded person. What is wrong with you?” Long tirades. I handled it badly. Internalized all of it.

I don’t recall exactly what I said in that therapy session. I suppose it was something like, “How can I communicate with my wife? What can I (say, do, make, wear) to make her listen?” Hidden in there was the desire to change her behavior.

Here’s what the counselor had me do. Draw a rectangle on a piece of paper, leaving plenty of room around the rectangle. Inside the box, draw or write all the things I could control. Outside of the box, pencil in all of the things that were out of my control.

I struggled. I wanted to put things in the box such as how I made the wife feel. I didn’t control that though, did I? How she reacted? Out of my control. Finally, I realized that the only thing that I could put in the box was me, my actions, and my thoughts. Everything else was out of my control.

Initially, I internalized less of the attacks against me, and was able to gain perspective during those instances. Over time, seeing my life in term of “What’s inside my box” really has helped me focus. Belief in a sovereign God that controls ‘everything outside of my box’ so that “all things work together for good” is a strong anchor in my stress-filled life.

This week I spent some time reviewing the box analogy with Hailey, my daughter. She has two parents, both with control issues. She’s modeling that behavior too well. So I had her draw a rectangle.....

What would you put in your box? Outside of your box?