I’m gesticulating wildly in the midst of a game of charades. I’m focused on the faces of my teammates. “Three syllables, sounds like...” Trying to get the picture across. The clues aren’t connecting. Pointing to my chest and making drawings in the air isn’t helping. At the end of the round, my ex turns to me and says, “You are way to intense.” Words that cut like a sword.
My friend, my wife of fourteen years, affirms my intensity.
On the same hand she is wired with soft and gentle edges. She is the reason we
get invited to parties. With that mix, like any mix, it is easy for us to hurt
each other. With words. Or complete silence. To insist that she be more like
me. Friendship should be different. “Iron sharpens iron,’ is friction which
renders a positive result.
Marriage is meant to be more intimate. If you want it. Authentic
connection isn’t easy. Sister, I’ve got wounds and warts. I’m bent in ways that
will hurt you. If I wound you, if you wound me; where do we go? Cry to Christ.
Nobody likes to hurt. At gut level I’m not going to pursue
relationship if it hurts self. Painful words, wounds from my parents and
previous partners lead me to protect my heart.
“I’m sorry. I was wrong. Please forgive me. I love you.” This
is a mantra that my wife’s family picked up at a Christian youth conference.
Now we use it in circumstances ranging from silly (it really did need salt!) to serious (I’m sorry I screamed at you). It’s
about commitment to the covenant.
I long for that intimacy. It’s only going to come when I lean
inward with courage not outward with fear. It’s so crucial to have the
relationship be a safe sacred space. As Keith Green once sang, “For there are
many where friendship's unknown, they live together but really alone. And the
days go their ways in silence, tense hours of woe. We do not mean to have it so."
No comments:
Post a Comment