Jason Bourne Meets Knott's Berry Farm

Jason Bourne can fight and overcome a lot of things, but there is one thing that could put him over-the-edge….a day at the amusement park. If you’ve seen the movie, or are familiar with the genre, you know he gets beat up, wrecked up, shot up, kicked up and all without a crack up. Last week while watching the movie I kept thinking, “Man, is he ever going to hurt in the morning.” But as I sit here typing; my bruised and battered body full of Advil, I can testify that I’ve overcome greater things than Jason Bourne.

I’ve survived the “Crash-Test Dummy” ride. They put you in a little car, and it carries you up the tracks to a significant height, then you spiral down finally crashing through a number of walls: Styrofoam, foil, PVC, and finally the ride ends when you hit a wall of bricks at speeds greater than 60 miles per hour. Okay, I’m lying. In the real ride its a little boat that carries you up to a significant height. You plunge straight down-nose down, and the only thing keeping you in the boat (relatively speaking) is the harness that they strapped you into at the beginning of the ride. You finally stop because you’ve hit the water at ground level.

A couple of notes on the flying boat ride. I should have noticed in line that I was the only adult around. The rest of the folks were barely past the age of puberty, thus allowing for significant time for life to heal their bruised and scarred bodies. Later, I understood the situation better. Leaving the ride I heard a dad saying to his daughter, “Just get in line Shelly. Mom and I have to go call our agent and see if you’re still covered under our health insurance.”

We’d survived the Flying Boat Ride, but only barely. Hailey’s head hurt, and my neck was a wee bit sore. Now on to the roller coasters. Because, if you know me, you know there’s nothing I like more than super high places and throwing up! We went on the Sidewinder. They have this new gimmick where they video parts of the ride. Because it’s good to have that remembrance of your dad turning white and passing out. “Quick! Somebody put a piece of walnut-fudge under his nose. He’ll come around soon enough.”

It was after doing Sidewinder, the Flying Boat Ride and Side Winder (Yes, I know I said that twice) that my back began to hurt a little bit. The kind of hurt that I think Jason Bourne may have experienced after his 20th car wreck. But he’s younger than me.

Despite being adventurous, we decided not to do the ride where you hang upside down while a machine sprays water at you while you spin at 5,000 revolutions-per-minute. We also skipped the ride where you hang upside down while on a rollercoaster while it loops at 5,000 revolutions-per-minute (but hey, at least you don’t get wet!). Onto the mild roller coaster (“My daughter does this ride. She’s only six and gets scared easily.”) which we did three times. More surges of back pain. And I call it quits on the roller coasters. Time to head home.

The next time I say, “Let’s do it. We’ll regret it if we don’t. (After all, I’m ‘wild at heart.’)” could somebody just hold me down or kick me. Because I’ve seen Jason Bourne survive that, but I haven’t seen him survive a Flying Boat Ride.