Echoes Of Darkness

Nothing makes me feel so alone and so vulnerable. There are moments, though they last much longer than a moment, when all the mistakes I’ve made in my life flash on the screen in my brain. It’s a vibrant film with pictures rolling in black and white and color. The soundtrack accompanying these images would never garner an award. It’s only two words, “What if?”

I wonder during these periods if it’s only those of us that are prone to deeper, darker perversions that feel so very cursed and broken. The rest of humanity, I’m certain, only deals with simple sins like pride and lying. Their films could still be shown in the local movie house.

There are echoes of classic films in my life movie. Think back to Gatsby or A Streetcar Named Desire; I could have been somebody. It’s only part about what I could have been but also about all the people I’ve hurt along the way. Perhaps the names would show in the credits; Special effects, Gaffer, Insensitive words and actions. In theatres people usually walk out before the credits. In my life they made the mistake of sticking around.

It would be easy to get lost in full IMAX sensaround. Clinical depression isn’t a place I want to visit to I force myself to think rationally. I do a lot of talking to Jesus; I still feel like scum but I start talking. I wrestle with truth; I quote, often loud-nearly screaming, bible verses such as Romans Chapter eight; “There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

I manage during most of these episodes to move on and keep the monster away. I walk out of the movie house into bright light. I get involved with my family and I interact with people. The darkness diminishes.

The thoughts will come again. The reality is that I’ve made some bad choices. I suspect that in reality I am not alone. Sanity and sobriety come through Christ’s affirming love for me. Specifically that I am accepted apart form the good I do or the evil I’ve done. I am fully accepted because the blood of Christ has bought my pardon. Christ paid for my ticket. That movie will be great on the big screen.