Killing Caroline: A Sourdough Story

Moving half-way across the country made killing Caroline 1 an easy choice. Most starters have a name, Caroline was the name of mine (Neil Diamond inspired). Is it a lie if it’s not true all the time? Books and blogs say making sourdough starter, the basis of delicious sourdough, is an easy, guaranteed process. It hasn’t been. Creating sourdough starter for me was an arduous process culminating in a vibrant sourdough, increased patience and desperate answered prayer. Starter is the building block; it’s not even the reward! The reward is a rich, tangy bread, the crunch of breaking through the crust to warm richness slathered in butter.

I’ve never gotten the rise out of Caroline that I wanted. She’s never been bubbly and airy enough. And when I made the bread, the dough was never firm enough for the initial scoring—which is both decorative and helps create rise in the oven. Summer began the creation of the new Caroline. Ideally an easy ten day process. Mix flour and water. Wait three days. Add more flour and water. Those are the basics. Like a failed Frankenstein I could not get my Caroline to come to life.

Caroline teased me with her false vigor. I’d coax her with warm tap water, with wheat flour and rye flour, even lying her down on a bed of warmth. She failed to respond. She went flat. She grew mold. She refused to put out. No bubbly proof of yeast. Week after week I waited. Restarted. Perhaps the tap water contained chlorine. I switched to bottled water. I changed the heat source. I changed ratios. For three months Caroline and I danced. She would not double. She wasn’t looking like any of the online pictures. I was near to giving up.

Making bread is an act of faith. Like scattering seed. I prayed for Caroline, that she would be effervescent, growing and doubling. God is, after all, over the rising of the sun and the fruit of the vine. Certainly, He is over the rising of a starter. After three months of perseverance, Caroline #2 blossomed. I can’t specifically tell you why. I suspect the courtship had gone on long enough to convince her I was serious.

The Moustache I Want

“Kissing a man without a moustache is like eating an egg without salt.” Carlos Fuentes

Wanting a great moustache isn’t like aspiring to walk on the moon. For most men, and some ladies, growing a basic moustache is attainable. But to grow a top-notch moustache one is up against 3 things. It takes time. A great ‘stache is more than hair on a lip. It is Michelangelo’s marble shaped into David. A beard grown, trimmed and shaped.  A culmination of desire realized. Stylized and personal, it’s an external trademark; think Tom Selleck, Salvador Dali, Groucho Marx and Mark Twain.  A superior growth of facial hair requires superior genes. And finally, one must deal with their native culture; and when I say culture I mean my wife.

She says hair on other men’s faces is ‘fine,’ but not on mine. The corollary rule is that all of us must be neatly shaven. No burly-home beer-brewer beards, no ZZ Top like facial hair and your moustache must be clean and clipped unlike that of Albert Einstein or Sam Elliott. To continue to be kissed I can’t keep growing the moustache I want.

My dream is to have a Handlebar moustache. A rich, thick growth of hair that can be waxed and curled on the ends. Of the 12 mainline moustaches this one says rogue and nefarious with a hint of evil cartoon character thrown in, Snidely Whiplash with a swagger. It’s not that I want the ‘stache for the same reason some guys like their Dodge Rams. I’ve had beard and moustache, one or both, since college save for a season when my employer forbade it. There was a week or two when I shaved it off from boredom only to realize that I did not like the look. This I realized from both looking in the mirror and from a constant lust after other men’s moustaches.

The wife and I have reached some sort of compromise. I can grow it out for the month of November. This is hardly meeting in the middle. To put it another way, Michaelangelo took 3 years to carve David. But relationships always involve some compromise. In The Princess Bride, Westley (sporting a wimpy pencil moustache) works with a vengeful, sword-carrying mustached Montoya to save his love. True love always sacrifices. So I’ll wait for the moustache I want.