Pursuing Passion

Central to Blue Bloods main character, Frank Reagan, is a poster of Teddy Roosevelt on his office wall. Frank’s key strength, affirmed by Blue Bloods 12 seasons, is conviction that, “The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood…” Its 6.11 million viewers give nod to the quote. To find your life you must lose it.

“Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen,” as Brene Brown shares. Scary stuff being seen; being known. I have caverns that conceal all kinds of dark. Fantasies I don’t share. Arrogance always. Ah, Pharisee. Funny thing: when I am vulnerable it deepens relationship. 99% of the time when sharing a struggle others admit their own.

The one percent? My previous marriage. Being seen was used for blackmail. All of us have wounds. Hence the call to courage. We desire depth. With God, with friend. All of us yearn for passion. We won’t get there without pain. “From silken self, O Captain; free thy soldier who would follow thee.”

“Who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming…” I get in the way. There are days that my love and passion for my wife are blurred by selfish acts and stupid detours. My daughter tells me I didn’t hug her enough growing up. Don’t give up-press in! Do what it takes; get counselling, cry out to community, cry to Jesus, cry period.

The story is told of a man who hired a guide to get to the top of a beautiful mountain. The guide told him he could take little to the top; only himself and his courage. But the man said, “I am bringing with me blankets, I am bringing chocolate. I’m bringing fear and shame.” Along the way to the top were scattered all these things. The man never made it to the top. He stopped in the plain half-way up and pitched his tent. Many pitch their tent on the plain. And the plain is so very full of tents.

“if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."

Intimacy and Touch

"Thus the Lord used to speak to Moses face to face, just as a man speaks to his friend."

"I have eaten my honeycomb and my honey;

I have drunk my wine and my milk.
Eat, friends; drink and imbibe deeply, O lovers."

It’s easier to hike a mountain than make love. If you’re seeking release—sex is easy. True intimacy requires work. Fearful, mask lowering, work. Hiking a mountain is easy that way—on a base level easy to be selfish. Intimacy requires giving yourself away.

I am not hungry for surface relationship. I desire connections that consume. Soul to soul with my wife; iron to iron with friends and face to face with God. This is frightening and holy ground. I try for transparency. Peel back layers and talk to my wife—even about the crap inside me. God fully aware, but still, I speak, I cry, I convey feeling.

My mom; my parents, did not hug. There was no touch in our house---except hand to head and nail to arm with my sister. Hugging and touch a foreign language. My childhood was devoid of intimacy in talk and touch. No safety there. 

Intimacy is ill defined by touch. I was in my forties and mom in her seventies. A three-hour drive for work; crashing at her house. She’d spoil me with dinner, breakfast or both. Ever the night-owl---we’d sit down at that long wood dining-room table and talk. Past midnight. Over rich home-made dishes and Trader Joes cheesecake.  Here is a strange thing; in this breaking of bread that table became a safe place. A satisfying, sweet place where we shared heart and thought; as mother to son and friend to friend.

To be intimate does not require touch. Touch affirms but isn’t required. Intimacy is established and nurtured in ritual and security. The desired depth with God, wife or friend occurs in this context. The over and over again meeting with another through celebration and storm. Open table, safe place, face to face. Over time, transparency and intimacy will grow. Imbibe deeply, O lovers!

Photo by Allef Vinicius on Unsplash