The Best Marriage Advice: Don't Settle and Keep Shoveling

I wanted to shout, “Run, run.”  I knew it was coming for her though.  Some day; like it comes for so many of us.  Yup.  The daughter just changed her Facebook status to “In relationship.”  I don’t really know what that means but take it to be some point between a first date and walking down the aisle.  There’s so much I want to say to her but so little she’ll hear.  It’s first love.  Raise your hands if you rushed into that head-over heels.  How many tripped over themselves in the process?  So many bloodied knees and hearts along the way. 

Stories and statistics witness that marriage be entered with sobriety.  My knees have been bloodied too-I’m five years into my second marriage.  My wife and I are committed for the long haul.  Just doing that is good—but not enough.  I want more. I want intimacy.  I want romance.  I hope we all do. 

Wanting isn’t enough.  As a child I knew a handful of divorced people.  Now I know a handful in strong marriages---and some of those are second-go-around.  So what can I say to my kid?  To the woman in her thirties starting her third marriage?  To the oh-so-many that have settled? 

Don’t settle.  I’ve screwed up; sinned, stumbled—pick the verb.  I have this romantic stupid streak inside.  I believe it will get better.  I think Bob Goff said it-Live in grace.  Teacher John Piper has this thing about the manure pile.  In essence he says crap crops up in marriage; look at it, deal with it, and agree with your spouse to take it out to the manure pile.  Perhaps the best advice for marriage is this: Don’t settle and keep shoveling.

Maintaining Joy: The Tools In My Toolbox

“Maintaining the joy of faith in the face of horrific evil does not hap­pen by coasting. It happens by conquering.” —John Piper, Spectacular Sins and Their Global Purpose in the Glory of Christ

“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!”—Philippians

Joy is not consistently found upon waking up.  Most think that joy is a natural occurrence in the same way that ‘being in love’ on your first date should feel the same as ‘being in love’ after ten years of marriage.  Neither occurs without a determined decision. 

The way feelings work is counter-intuitive.  Larry Crabb delineates a process by which we arrive at our feelings: fact, faith, feelings.  We believe a fact.  We take that fact by faith.  Our feelings follow.  The process involves disciplined thinking wherein we choose to believe the truly right thing. 

Feelings are simply framed by perception.  I’ve found it helpful to define problems in terms of first world or third world problems (h/t GB).  Some weeks ago our washing machine stopped its agitating only to agitate us.  For many throughout the rest of the world the amount of clean water we use to wash clothes would provide basic healthy sustenance.  Framing the problem correctly keeps me from becoming anxious over my first world problems.

Work’s been a wearying battle lately.  The current trend in retail is to demand more from the employees while providing less for customers.  This frustrates me.  Learning to lead others stretches me outside my comfort zone.  I try leading with gentleness and patience.  Some days I lead well.  On others I let people down.  The wrong perspective would easily lead me into destructive behaviour.

I remind myself that God is in control.  He has the view from eternity.  I quote Spurgeon to myself,

 "The man who has got Christ has got everything. There are all things in one in Christ Jesus, and if you once get him you are rich to all the intents of bliss. What, have Jesus Christ, and be discontented? Have Christ and murmur? Beloved, let me chide you gently, and pray you to lay aside that evil habit. If you have Christ, then you have God the Father to be your protector, and God the Spirit to be your comforter. You have present things working together for your good, and future things to unravel your happier portion; you have angels to be your servitors both on earth and in heaven. You have all the wheels of Providence revolving for your benefit; you have the stones of the field in league with you; you have your daily trials sanctified to your benefit; and you have your earthly joys hinged from their doors and hallowed with a blessing; your gains and your losses are alike profitable to you; your additions and your diminutions shall alike swell the tide of your soul's satisfaction…”

In understanding that God has a greater purpose I realign myself with joy.

At the end of the day there is one other significant weapon in the arsenal.  Find friend or family to make you laugh.  On most days my close friends (and I include my wife among these) help restore perspective.  One person I know is fond of saying, “Tell me what I would tell you if the roles were reversed.”  Positive relationships keep us from being overwhelmed by closed thinking and thoughts only of self.

Maintaining joy is work.  It’s not always as easy as singing “The Sun will come up tomorrow.”  It’s a daily decision to hunker down and keep fighting.  The song in the night will be worth it when it comes---but it won’t come if you’re not engaged mentally.

A Baptist Preacher, A Rapper And Two White Guys

What does a 60 year old Baptist preacher have in common with a Rapper and two guys that play acoustic guitar? It seems there was a time when older people like myself only listened to music that they grew up with. Travelling in a car with older folks meant stodgy old music. This would have been true for me if my daughter hadn’t encouraged me to listen to her local pop station and “embrace it.”


“I hate rap music. Rap is crap. Rap isn’t really music at all.” These are the comments I hear when I tell my peers that I like Lecrae. “Le-who,” they say. To which I say he’s a rapper. Then it begins. Funny thing is that I was exposed to Lecrae through John Pipers’ Desiring God website. His lyrics are deep; his theology spot-on.

This week Piper introduced me to Shane and Shane. They have been playing for a while but I’ve not heard of them til now. I was moved by the song, Yearn. It’s the prayer we all have. It doesn’t matter which point you are at on your spiritual journey. It’s the cry that Moses had, “If I have found favor in your sight, let me know your ways that I may know You…Show me Your glory.” It’s the common groan we share with all creation. I am dust and clay—but I want to yearn for You. Enjoy.

 

A Merciful Pathway

“Those who believe in Jesus Christ and are justified by faith and become the children of God are not taken out of this world of woe, but are given the grace to experience the very judgments of God on the human race as the merciful pathway to holiness and heaven rather than sin and hell.”---John Piper

One doesn’t have to look farther than the recent earthquake in China (188 dead, 11,000 injured at last count) to confirm that we live in a world of woe. The sane reaction is to groan, to pray and to give if possible to relief. The other reaction is of course to ignore it and go on living. How we react to tragedy mirrors what is going on inside of us and which highway we are on.

On a smaller scale we deal with those around us that wrestle with significant physical suffering. Certainly we can not understand all the components of the suffering nor fully identify with the ones that suffer. Our challenge is to give of ourselves in ways that feel like death to us that others may live life a little more.

In our day to day dealings with the manifestations of fallenness in others and the brokenness of daily living choosing right responses is incumbent upon us as children of light. There will be many that will take the easy way and respond in kind to unkindness or throw up fist or finger when their cheek is slapped. Travelers on the road to holiness and heaven call on heaven’s strength to respond differently.

The world is a place of woe which we see manifest in so many forms. The saving grace is to remember that we are citizens of heaven. Holiness of heart and character are our goal. Knowing which path we are on will help us know how our heart and hands will respond to this groaning broken place we currently call home.

Sustaining Grace

The sky was the table and somebody had spilled milk across it. The bright fullness of the moon lit up a streak of white clouds against a dark blue sky. I sat in my car and admired the view. If God could order that then certainly He could order my little universe.

The wife and I are processing the way that God orders our lives. Going through a rough patch some weeks ago we were led to John Piper’s sermon on “sustaining grace.” The takeaway is that God allows distress but orders it that He might get the glory;

“Not grace to bar what is not bliss, nor flight from all distress but this,The grace to order our troubles and pain, And then in the darkness is there to sustain.”

God allows and orders all my circumstances. This is a biblical world view that I wish I’d understood much earlier. . He is still sovereign and in His omniscience fits together all the workings of my frail life into the plan of the universe. This doesn’t make it understandable to me but it does make it bearable; “It is He who sits above the circle of the earth, And its inhabitants are like grasshoppers…Lift up your eyes on high and see who has created these stars, The One who leads forth their host by number, He calls them all by name, Because of the greatness of His might and the strength of His power, Not one of them is missing.”

The hand of fate will spill milk on my table—that’s a given. Some seasons the spill is larger than I can handle; more oil spill than milk spill. The one who knows the stars by name has already placed the cleanup crew in place. In the darkness, in the process, He sustains and holds together til I reach that vantage point where I can appreciate His handiwork

Following In Their Footsteps

Some of mine are dead, some, obviously, living.  John Piper claims his are dead overall.  Hero's of the faith; those saints that we look to as our examples when our own framework of dust and bone doesn't provide context enough.  I look to Joni Eareckson Tada for inspiration and a bunch of dead guys; C.S. Lewis, Biblical saints and Spurgeon to name a few.

Life is difficult.  No surprise there.  When I throw my little pity parties (because it's all about me) it helps me to remember that Joni has had to have somebody dress her in the morning for the last 45 years.  Yet she remains one of the most positive and Christ exalting people I know.  Job lost it all yet maintained a perfect faith in God's goodness and holy character.  I look to these saints and see God's handiwork therefore I believe I can trust Him with the difficulties in my own life.

The apostle Paul repeatedly told others to follow him as an example of following Christ.  Peter said of Christ that He died, leaving us an example that we should follow in His steps.  It is important to find yourself those Christ affirming, Christ exalting role models to follow.  For myself they flesh out what Christian life looks like especially in the midst of affliction.  Their reality destroys my petty fantasy of my own importance. 
To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps.--1 Peter 2:21








 

Piper and Passion How Christian Hedonism Rocked My World

"...all men seek happiness.  This is without exception.  Whatever different means they emply, they all tend to this end...The will never takes the least step but to this object.  This is the motive of every action of every man, even of those who hang themselves."---Blaise Pascal

"God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him."---John Piper

Hedonism is in my mind the only logical world view apart from following Christ; “Let us eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we die.” My father was never serious about his Judaism. Still he antagonized me for my decision to follow Christ. During one early conversation he asked me if it was just a phase. “Will you give it up once it wears off,” he asked. I assured him that if I ever gave up Christianity I would become a hedonist.

John Piper’s assertion that he was a Christian Hedonist got my attention. Convinced as I was that hedonism was the logical world view apart from Christ then what was a Christian Hedonist? Piper puts it this way, “Let us be crystal clear. We are always talking about joy in God, because the ultimate good that we always aim at is displaying the glory of God and expanding our own joy in God to others…..In God alone is fullness of joy and joy forever.” It’s a radical concept.

If I’m seeking joy then I must be selfish, right? Unless of course we are wired to seek joy. In which case it is the same old story. We seek joy in everything else but God. Yet if joy is found as we go deeper with God; deeper God and deeper joy, then it is a good thing. Understanding this changed my relationship with Christ.

That is the way I am wired. It is a heart versus flesh thing. My flesh wants joy in everything but God. My heart wants joy in God. That focus is incredible. The thought that joy can be experienced in God drives me toward Him. Sin looks bleak when deep joy is possible. I will do what I believe will bring me joy.

The Westminster Catechism says that the chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. The two are inextricably intermeshed. Seeking God’s glory brings joy. It’s a win-win.