The Darkness I Fear You'll Send

 

Nuke Oatmeal for cholesterol, fresh ground coffee, that’s my morning,
Hot shower, clean water, scented shampoo.
Read verses from my monogrammed-leather-bound bible,
Fed-ex drops a box on my doorstep,
Like the shoe I fear will drop,
The darkness I fear You’ll send.

Tension mounting in my shoulders, ever-present, this foreboding,
Storm brewing, rain coming, bad moon rising.
Hear the Ted talks speak to the wounds of childhood trauma,
Children expect hugs in the darkness.
Locusts devour the crop,
The blessed season up-end.

Sirens blaring out my window, scrolling Meta, isn’t helping,

Barren well, deer panting, heart desiring.
See all of the boundaries fall in pleasant places,
Peace erupts from a different mindset,
May the anxiety stop,
As I trust You to defend.

A Tunnel Between Two Gardens

“I remember the days of old; I meditate on all Your accomplishments;
I reflect on the work of Your hands. I spread out my hands to You;
My soul longs for You, like a weary land. Selah.”

Tapping me on the shoulder, Google photo whispers, “Perspective, perspective.” “I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread,” Bilbo says. A good description of the feeling these days. A new prescription is necessary for this short-sightedness. Like a person hiking through a tunnel between two gardens; I forget the beauty behind and the glories ahead.

My wife was exhausted. Caring for her mom 24/7. It was time for our traditional 3- day getaway. With guilt and relief, we left her mom in the care of her brother. Sipping Stone Brewing’s Berliner Weiss we were no longer in So Cal. The air is hot and the cobblestones vibrate as heat radiates upward. Aside from the Rhine the only place that looks cool is beneath the umbrellas. The girl in the dirndl dress brings you a stein. That first sip… Then you realize the tour guide has moved on to the next beer in the flight.

Rioting, looting, a global pandemic, school closures and day-to-day stressors had us ready for a road-trip come summer of 2020. It’s California; the only way to book a hotel is as an ‘essential worker.’ We head to Arizona. There I sit on a wood park bench facing Whiskey Row. Book in hand, I stretch out on that lazy summer evening. Reading, resting and intermittently watching a lightning storm shoot across the sky.

The lightning flashes fade too easily. The brushing breeze, the soul-rest and the wonder are forgotten. A dry space inside the tunnel. A parched place, a weary land. The call is to remember that this moment in it’s weariness (oh, wastefulness) is momentary. We have those snapshots from both sides of the tunnel. The marvels that were and the glories to follow.

Moving Forward When Stuck

Stuck in the mud, stuck in the middle, stuck up—being stuck is never good. Stuck fermentation is a thing that happens in brewing beer or in winemaking. The yeast becomes dormant. The yeast just stops doing what yeast is supposed to do. Not rising to the occasion.  It’s yeast burn-out, a yeast mid-life crisis. Perhaps overwhelmed by world events; constantly consumed with comparing itself to others on its’ Instagram feed.

Does yeast feel like a failure when it’s stuck? Because we all know it is frustrating to not be doing what you think you should be doing, to not arrive at those goals you’ve set---or to not even have goals! “I’m just going through the motions anyway; what’s the point?” The tiny yeast feels no motivation. Losing sight of purpose; no longer motivated by creating Cabernet or other varietals? Forgetting what he knows—that he would create robust reds, creamy Rieslings and peppery, violaceous Malbecs. It’s just about alcohol today,”---stuck again. Soaking and sulking he wonders, “How do I get unstuck?”

Move the temperature! You are static or erratic. Create a temperature suitable to growth. Set a goal, set a deadline, get the heck out of the house! Comfortable can kill! Motivating self is tough. What to do?

Shake it up! Aerate, add nutrients! The enjoyment quotient for yeast is small. I, however, am invigorated by many things. Focus outside helps unstuck me inside. Eating right is obvious. Not so much is surrounding self with other healthy yeast. How encouraging to surround oneself with other yeast that sing day long, “Oh Sugar; honey, honey…”

Make lemonade. Easy to berate oneself for a lack of discipline, movement, tiredness; whatever. Could be that good stuff will flow from a stuck season. Here’s a little yeast-inspired trivia: When rosé wine is the primary product, it is produced with the skin contact method. Black-skinned grapes are crushed and the skins are allowed to remain in contact with the juice for a short period. The longer the skins are left in contact with the juice, the more intense the color of the final wine. In 1972 Bob Trinchero of Sutter Home salvaged a stuck fermentation of his red Zinfandel wine by releasing a paler, sweeter rosé colored wine that he labeled as "White Zinfandel.” Though he wasn't the first Californian winemaker to make a white wine out of Zinfandel, he was the first to aggressively market it as a new wine style and Sutter Home saw sales of

"White Zin" soar from 25,000 cases in 1980 to more than 1.5 million in 1986.  From stock-still to best-selling, it wouldn't have happened without a stuck fermentation.

So you’re crushed today, feeling like just a single-celled organism stuck in a rut that’s not going anywhere? Enough sour grapes! Set those juices flowing again; do that thing only you can do. It’s a time for new wine, a new harvest! Release the inner-you, see what sweetness ensues! 

Photo by Liubov Ilchuk on Unsplash