Thursday, August 30, 2012

On A Daily Basis

I’ve been doing it since high school. I started big and bound then moved to smaller and bound. People found out I was doing it and bought me custom sets, hard sets, soft sets and sets with pictures. I tried journalling every day but it was sporadic at best. I tried to be realistic. I journalled in big spiral bound notebooks and changed my script according to my mood. There was a freedom and uniqueness about journaling that way. I underlined in dark ink, I wrote HUGE words, or small words, or happy words or angry words. Truth is the words I most wrote in high school were angry words.

I’ve burned some of those high school journals. I had quite the mouth at the time and the words that came out of my mouth found my way into my journal as well. There were things I did and things I thought that I wasn’t proud of. I actually wrote them down.
I journalled through my teens, my twenties and through my first marriage. Later in my first marriage I had to lock up my journal as my wife (trust issues what trust issues?) was reading it. As I said, I held little back.  I was in fact an open book. Writing during that period was a good thing. It kept me somewhat sane. At some point during that time of duress I lost my sanity. Going back and reading those diaries I realized the depth of despair I was in and the dynamics that caused my heaviness of heart.

These days I don’t journal. This blog acts as that journal for me. It’s frightening at times because I don’t know how to burn this one should I ever want to. I put myself out there (within reason---I’ve learned some lessons in my old age) so that it’s interesting for all of us. This gives me a place of reflection and a voice to say things I’ve been thinking or a springboard to bounce around ideas. I expect I’ll be journaling in some format until I’m near my last breath. Being introspective and reflective is healthy for me---and I think for others. So I’ll keep at it. I hope the words I write today are no longer angry words. I hope they are words of life that move us all forward.

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